Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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