so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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