You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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