If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
