The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You are a genius and a whore.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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