How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
