Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
