At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
