i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize