Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
