i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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