can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
