His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
