Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
