Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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