if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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