he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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