No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
