Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
