I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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