I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
