his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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