Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
