Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
