I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
