Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
