She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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