my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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