I only kidnapped one of them. chill
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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