Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
