He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He passed out mid-signature
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
