My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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