Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
