idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i've created a new STD.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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