mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
