i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
