shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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