nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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he laminated a picture of his dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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