the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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