I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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