i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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