i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
