Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
