Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
