Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
These tits shall not be calmed
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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