remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
