booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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