If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
