WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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