oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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