I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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