I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
