im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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