i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
