I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
