I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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