i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sober January is a disaster.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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