I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
