Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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