you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
