What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
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