your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
